Milt Lauenstein
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    • Doggerel
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  • Peacebuilding
  • Other Interests
    • Political Views
    • Art Bio & Images
    • Doggerel
    • Philosophy
  • Background
  • Contact

Doggerel

Some Poetry By Milt

Education
To please our haughty daughter
Her mom went out and bought her
A video which taught her
How to walk on water.
Now she's insufferable

Drinking
At quarter to nine
I went out to dine
I drank too much wine
Couldn't walk a straight line
But do I feel fine!

Flight
Can you guess why,
When evening sky
Grows darker, I
Soar oh! so high
Eat on the fly?
If you will try
You'll see that my
Unseeing eye
Will testify
I'm a bat

Botany
Three leaves are seen
Luxuriant green
With lustrous sheen
It all must mean
Poison ivy

Blue Skies
Cloudless skies all blue
Pure azure hue?
No longer true!
Jets passing through
Leave white trails.

Zoology
Unlike ordinary ducks
Antarctic penguins wear a tux
It isn't normal
To go formal
To catch fish

Sounds
At night no sleep
No slumber deep
Why can't you keep
From snoring?
You always make
Me lie awake
For goodness' sake
Please take a break
From snoring.

My New Sport
I used to love to ski
It made me feel so free
But then I broke my knee
So now my sport's TV!

Reducing
I'll never be slim
I work out at the gym
And go for a swim
Which makes me hungry

From a Skylark
In gathering dark
A single lark
Soars o'er the park
And spots my windshield

Scary Caribbean
Swimming alone in waters warm
I see below an eerie form
Fearing it could do me harm
I swim away in great alarm
But it's only a plastic bag

Diversion
When unhappy, feeling sour
I spend hour after hour
Watching my bouquet of flowers
Wilt.

Maturity
With soft soap I sold her
My arms did enfold her
Said she, "You've grown colder"
I started to smolder
And thus I did scold her:
"I'll never grow bolder
Because I am older"
Too bad!

Stink
The whale it would seem
Is so broad of beam
That you never would dream
That when it spouts steam
It's still more extreme:
Halitosis!

Idol
In scarlet sash
With stirring dash
His dentures flash
And more!
Has quite a stash
Of ready cash
He's still a crashing bore!
No Ogden Nash
To make a splash.
This little trash
Is poor!

Gone!
When it sees my sail
The hump-backed whale
Will never fail
To lift its tail
And dive

Whale Watching
The whale I chase
From place to place.
But if, in case
I won the race,
And found its face
In my embrace
I'd scream!

Utility
Zurich has its gnomes
The library its tomes
The Air Force, aerodromes
While I have only poems
Which are useless

Memories
I apply my ability
My every facility
To point with agility
But find only futility.
It must be senility
Setting in.

Gotcha!
I'll authorize
A handsome prize
If you'll keep your eyes
Shut. Too bad: my spies
Tell me they're open

Theory
As evening dies
My vision spies
An object rise
Into the skies
I theorize
It's Mighty Mouse.

Maturity
I am aghast
At how very fast
They years have flown past.
Now at last
My lot is cast
Sorry, Ma, I didn't make President.

Bass Clef
In music class "All cows eat grass
Is passe, alas.
"All cars eat gas"
Would be more contemporary.

Retirement
You may inquire
What would inspire
A man to retire
You'd find a desire
To escape.

Escape
If you feel you're a fink
'Cause you're mired in red ink
And are starting to think
Of seeing a shrink
Or taking to drink
You might try just running away.

The Elite
Those of high status
Don't really hate us.
They only berate us
To mask their feelings of guilt.

Will Power
Despite the chill
By dint of sheer will
And consummate skill
I've struggled until
I can bite ice cream (with dentures).


Navigational Hazard
Trap on the bottom, buoy on the top
The line in between gets caught on my prop
Causes my little engine to stop.
I don't want to occasion a drop
In some poor devil's lobster crop.
But I cut the line away anyway.


Egocentricity
Though it sounds like lots of fun
A philosophy to shun
Is looking out for number one
When all is said and done
It is antisocial and uncivilized.

The Elite
Sad, indeed
That special breed
Filled with greed
Finds ways to feed
On those in need
And are proud of it!

Ambition
The burden that's worst
Is to be cursed
With insatiable thirst
To always be first
When one can't.

Golden Years
Golden years
Bring hairy ears
And bulbous rears
And as death nears
Increasing fears
About the future.

Blood
A blue-blood named Fred
Got drunk at Club Med.
He fell out of bed
Broke open his head.
Oh, how he bled
Not blue but instead
Hi blood was all red.
Red-blooded blue-blooded Fred.

Sermons
When a preacher starts to shout
And tell you what life's all about
You may do well to harbor doubt
And see if you can figure out
Why the preacher needs to spout
At you.

Rake's Progress
I learned at the wake
That she fell for a rake
She couldn't forsake
He made her heart break
By seducing nice guys' wives.


Bee
Far out at sea
I found a bee
"I'm lost", said he
Yea, verily:
In more ways than one.




Honor
Down on his luck
A proud old duck
Got hopelessly stuck
In gooey muck
And quacked, didn't cluck
So he wouldn't be judged chicken.

Marriage
For most of one's conjugal life
One experiences plenty of strife
But taking a knife
To the throat of one's wife
Is going a trifle too far.

Manners
To speak with one's jaw full
Would be simply awful
It should be unlawful
It's so gauche

Achievement
If you believe
You must achieve
For you I'll grieve:
Achievement is a false god.

Turn About
If you're looking ahead
With consummate dread
To when you'll be dead
Try thinking instead
Of words that you've said
To others about mortality.

Prudence
If the object of your life
Is to avoid painful strife
With your sweet little wife
Make sure she's very sweet and very little.

Task
The British love telly
While house flies love jelly
And I love the deli
Which enlarges my belly
Terribly.

Problem
I'm reluctant to trifle
With girls 'cause my wife'll
Go get her rifle
And see that my life'll
End abruptly.

Meditation
A most philosophical frog
Sat thinking for years on a log
When asked not to hide
What he learned, he replied,
That spelling God backword makes "dog".

Classic
I read in the Journal
That in Dante's Inferno
That poem eternal
There's more than a kernel
Of truth and consequences

Silver Lining
No sun today!
Clouds silver gray
Won't go away.
They're here to stay.
But we'll be gay.
We'll see a play
In London.

Status
A plutocrat
In homburg hat
Is showing that
He is a cat
That's very fat.
Obese, in fact.

Jet Set
With money he's made he's
Taking cute ladies
In his new Mercedes
Straight to Hades.
What fun!

Fun
For the best way to live ya
Will focus on trivia
Because it will give ya
Fewer headaches

Polish Joke
If you'll pardon the doggerel
The creative logger'll
Recruit a frog girl
To raise tadPOLES

Hope
Late afternoon
On the lagoon
A lonesome loon
Mistakes the moon
For a balloon
And thinks, "I'll soon
Be at a party!"

Complaint
I find it cruel
That at my school
The swimming pool
Is far too cool
For comfort.

Advice from Mama
To make a good match
The man that you catch
Must have plenty of scratch
That you can detach
When you split

Style
Anything goes!
A ring in the nose
Black paint on the toes
Tattoo of a rose
What next heaven knows:
A Ubangi lip!

Ode to Limbaugh
It's impossible, Rush,
To get you to hush.
I'd think you would blush
To have such a big crush
On yourself.

Orifices
The holes in your ear
Are stylish, my dear,
But the one in your rear
Isn't

Pride
We stick out our chest
And say with the rest
That our country's the best.
But what is the test?
Power!

Money
For your life to be worthwhile
You have to make a hefty pile
So you can live in highest style
As a materiophile
And watch others find joy.

Rhyme
In his famous poem, "Trees"
Joyce Kilmer wrote with modesty
"Poems are made by fools like me."
His lines I'm sure you will agree
Attest to his veracity
As well as his sagacity
And perspicacity
As any fool can plainly see.

Blind
That dumb little jerk
Doesn't care for my work.
He must be berserk
To pass up such value?

Sales Pitch
Well, what do you know?
My work’s in a show.
I hope you will go
And take plenty of dough
Because sales have been slow.
Actually, non-existent.


Pointillists
The artist Seurat
Used many a dot
When he painted "Grand Jatte".
The artist Pissaro
To his great sorrow
Decided to borrow
Lots of Seurat's dots


Plotting
Hour after hour,
We scheme to get more power,
Our enemies to cower,
To make our rivals sour,
Make competition flower.
What fools we are!

Eventide
As evening grows
The sunset glows
Bright orange and rose
Which clearly shows
That there is particulate matter in the
atmosphere.

Bang!
While not a vicious hun
I find it lots of fun
To keep a loaded gun
And when all is said and done
It serves a social purpose:
Population control

Let's Be Friendly
Don't be mad.
It makes me sad.
I'm not a cad,
Nor yet so bad.
I'm just me.

Apology
When you're curt
And stain your shirt
With tears of hurt
I know for cert-
ain I've been thoughtless

Moron
The nincompoop
Propels his hoop
With an ice cream scoop
Which shows he's stup-Id.

The Abstract Artist
He makes no pretense
That his paintings make sense
His only defense
Is it's art, hence
It's sublime.

What Is Art?
What is art?
For a start
You might be smart
To question the question.

Life
A gently breeze
Brings melodies,
Sweet harmonies
Of birds and bees
Through lush green trees
O'er azure seas ....
Stop this, please!
Such scenes as these
Are rarities,
Gimpy knees,
Raspy wheeze,
Ticks and fleas,
Old injuries,
Deep enmities,
Jealousies
And tragedies
Are the realities
Most must deal with.



Mal de Mer
His saddest failing
When out sailing
Was his ailing
On the railing
And then trailing
His lunch.

Solace
When we parted,
Broken-hearted,
My girl friend farted,
Which cheered me up.

Ogre
The urge to kill
Some blood to spill
Bugs me until
I find my flyswatter.

Sinner
My sin is grave
And though I crave
My soul to save
I just go right on sinning.

Drinker
If you choose
To drown in booze
You'll soon know whose
Nose is reddening

Industrious
Because I lack
A willing back
I've learned the knack
Of loafing.
Don't bug me Jack
I'm right on track
No heart attack
From loafing.

Gun Control
The USA
May take away
My right to play
With assault weapons

I hope and pray
The NRA
Will save the day
For assault weapons.

The cash they pay
The votes will sway
Hip, Hip, Hooray
For assault weapons.

Echo
The right to kill,
Impose my will
Is sweeter still
Than gun control.

The right to kill
Impose one's will
Is sweet until
The tables are turned.

Grub
In eateries sleazier
Spoons are all greasier
Make you feel queasier
It would surely be easier
To go hungry.

Sizes
Although I'm quite tall
My paintings are small
So they fit on a wall
In a very wee hall
Whereas I hardly fit anywhere.

Senior Citizen
I've lost my train
Of thought again.
Let me explain:
I'm not insane,
I have a brain
Which can't retain
Anything!

Sunday Painter
My picture's quaint
My one complaint
Is I can't paint
Without restraint.
If I did, I'd faint
From shock.

Investing
It's not the chartist
Nor the one who is smartest
But he who works hardest
And thinks like an artist
Wins on Wall Street.

Prescriptions
For shampoo, use Breck's
For money, use checks
For boredom, try sex
Or a crossword puzzle.

Sin
The clergy of course
Would never endorse
The use of brute force
To compel intercourse
With a dapple gray horse
Or even a dog.

Rural Bias
"It's a corker",
Said the porker,
"To spell 'New Yorker',
To rhyme with 'worker'
Instead of 'shirker'".

Snobs
Sophisticated parties
is where you'll meet the smarties
Who think they're very arty
But just deserve a hearty
Horse laugh.

Incident
A dog
And a frog
Were sharing a log
By a cranberry bog
When the dog
Bit the frog
Which jumped into the bog
Saying, "You're a mean hog
To take the whole log
For yourself."

Marketing
I have a notion
That seamen's devotion
To sailing the ocean
Is caused by a potion
Secretly administered to yachtsmen by
boat-builders.

Hair
Did you even ponder
Why some men are fonder
Of girls who are blonder
Than their wives?


Flu
By does is all red
Frub a code id da head
I should be id bed
But I'b writig idstead.

Medicine
When I'm ill
I take a pill
Each day until
I'm sicker still

Boredom
There is no boredom
Dull as whoredom
Except chastity.

Old Love
In every tongue
The bards have sung
Of love that's young
While love that is older
May be a bit colder
But is still worth a song or two.

Semantics
I have to report
That when you abort
It's called an abortion.
And if in your sport
Your limbs you contort
You've done a contortion.
But I'm here to exhort
You when you drink port
Imbibe only a portion
Of a bottle to avoid a headache.

Geriatrics
I'm almost 84
My memory is poor
My back is often sore
I don't ski any more
But what I still adore
Is chasing women.

Honesty
Right from the start
Those who are smart
Master the art
Of lying.

Control Issue

When I lived in Gloucester
She said that I bossed her
So quickly I lost her
Her feminism cost her
A good man.

Allergy
The artist Monet
Painted stacks of hay
In a series they say
At all times of day
Suggesting he may
Have had hay fever.

Activity
The merest glance
At how they prance
And wildly dance
In Paris, France
Suggests a chance
Of ants in pants.

Serenade
Birds on the wing
Joyously sing
To celebrate spring
Their necks I could wring
At 5 am.

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
The girl I adore
I'd love even more
If she didn't snore.

Dieting
To be quite lean
Get your protein
From soya bean,
Not McDonalds.

Temptation
I'd like to entice
You not to be nice
Because that won't suffice
To give your life spice
No need to think twice
Just take up a vice
That's fun!

Philosopher
I'm hoping to find
A radical mind
Often maligned
But never unkind
Which isn't blind
Nor even resigned
To what's wrong with the world.