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Education
To please our haughty daughter Her mom went out and bought her A video which taught her How to walk on water. Now she's insufferable Drinking At quarter to nine I went out to dine I drank too much wine Couldn't walk a straight line But do I feel fine! Flight Can you guess why, When evening sky Grows darker, I Soar oh! so high Eat on the fly? If you will try You'll see that my Unseeing eye Will testify I'm a bat Botany Three leaves are seen Luxuriant green With lustrous sheen It all must mean Poison ivy Blue Skies Cloudless skies all blue Pure azure hue? No longer true! Jets passing through Leave white trails. Zoology Unlike ordinary ducks Antarctic penguins wear a tux It isn't normal To go formal To catch fish Sounds At night no sleep No slumber deep Why can't you keep From snoring? You always make Me lie awake For goodness' sake Please take a break From snoring. My New Sport I used to love to ski It made me feel so free But then I broke my knee So now my sport's TV! Reducing I'll never be slim I work out at the gym And go for a swim Which makes me hungry From a Skylark In gathering dark A single lark Soars o'er the park And spots my windshield Scary Caribbean Swimming alone in waters warm I see below an eerie form Fearing it could do me harm I swim away in great alarm But it's only a plastic bag Diversion When unhappy, feeling sour I spend hour after hour Watching my bouquet of flowers Wilt. Maturity With soft soap I sold her My arms did enfold her Said she, "You've grown colder" I started to smolder And thus I did scold her: "I'll never grow bolder Because I am older" Too bad! Stink The whale it would seem Is so broad of beam That you never would dream That when it spouts steam It's still more extreme: Halitosis! Idol In scarlet sash With stirring dash His dentures flash And more! Has quite a stash Of ready cash He's still a crashing bore! No Ogden Nash To make a splash. This little trash Is poor! Gone! When it sees my sail The hump-backed whale Will never fail To lift its tail And dive Whale Watching The whale I chase From place to place. But if, in case I won the race, And found its face In my embrace I'd scream! Utility Zurich has its gnomes The library its tomes The Air Force, aerodromes While I have only poems Which are useless Memories I apply my ability My every facility To point with agility But find only futility. It must be senility Setting in. Gotcha! I'll authorize A handsome prize If you'll keep your eyes Shut. Too bad: my spies Tell me they're open Theory As evening dies My vision spies An object rise Into the skies I theorize It's Mighty Mouse. Maturity I am aghast At how very fast They years have flown past. Now at last My lot is cast Sorry, Ma, I didn't make President. Bass Clef In music class "All cows eat grass Is passe, alas. "All cars eat gas" Would be more contemporary. Retirement You may inquire What would inspire A man to retire You'd find a desire To escape. Escape If you feel you're a fink 'Cause you're mired in red ink And are starting to think Of seeing a shrink Or taking to drink You might try just running away. The Elite Those of high status Don't really hate us. They only berate us To mask their feelings of guilt. Will Power Despite the chill By dint of sheer will And consummate skill I've struggled until I can bite ice cream (with dentures). Navigational Hazard Trap on the bottom, buoy on the top The line in between gets caught on my prop Causes my little engine to stop. I don't want to occasion a drop In some poor devil's lobster crop. But I cut the line away anyway. Egocentricity Though it sounds like lots of fun A philosophy to shun Is looking out for number one When all is said and done It is antisocial and uncivilized. The Elite Sad, indeed That special breed Filled with greed Finds ways to feed On those in need And are proud of it! Ambition The burden that's worst Is to be cursed With insatiable thirst To always be first When one can't. Golden Years Golden years Bring hairy ears And bulbous rears And as death nears Increasing fears About the future. Blood A blue-blood named Fred Got drunk at Club Med. He fell out of bed Broke open his head. Oh, how he bled Not blue but instead Hi blood was all red. Red-blooded blue-blooded Fred. Sermons When a preacher starts to shout And tell you what life's all about You may do well to harbor doubt And see if you can figure out Why the preacher needs to spout At you. Rake's Progress I learned at the wake That she fell for a rake She couldn't forsake He made her heart break By seducing nice guys' wives. Bee Far out at sea I found a bee "I'm lost", said he Yea, verily: In more ways than one. |
Honor
Down on his luck A proud old duck Got hopelessly stuck In gooey muck And quacked, didn't cluck So he wouldn't be judged chicken. Marriage For most of one's conjugal life One experiences plenty of strife But taking a knife To the throat of one's wife Is going a trifle too far. Manners To speak with one's jaw full Would be simply awful It should be unlawful It's so gauche Achievement If you believe You must achieve For you I'll grieve: Achievement is a false god. Turn About If you're looking ahead With consummate dread To when you'll be dead Try thinking instead Of words that you've said To others about mortality. Prudence If the object of your life Is to avoid painful strife With your sweet little wife Make sure she's very sweet and very little. Task The British love telly While house flies love jelly And I love the deli Which enlarges my belly Terribly. Problem I'm reluctant to trifle With girls 'cause my wife'll Go get her rifle And see that my life'll End abruptly. Meditation A most philosophical frog Sat thinking for years on a log When asked not to hide What he learned, he replied, That spelling God backword makes "dog". Classic I read in the Journal That in Dante's Inferno That poem eternal There's more than a kernel Of truth and consequences Silver Lining No sun today! Clouds silver gray Won't go away. They're here to stay. But we'll be gay. We'll see a play In London. Status A plutocrat In homburg hat Is showing that He is a cat That's very fat. Obese, in fact. Jet Set With money he's made he's Taking cute ladies In his new Mercedes Straight to Hades. What fun! Fun For the best way to live ya Will focus on trivia Because it will give ya Fewer headaches Polish Joke If you'll pardon the doggerel The creative logger'll Recruit a frog girl To raise tadPOLES Hope Late afternoon On the lagoon A lonesome loon Mistakes the moon For a balloon And thinks, "I'll soon Be at a party!" Complaint I find it cruel That at my school The swimming pool Is far too cool For comfort. Advice from Mama To make a good match The man that you catch Must have plenty of scratch That you can detach When you split Style Anything goes! A ring in the nose Black paint on the toes Tattoo of a rose What next heaven knows: A Ubangi lip! Ode to Limbaugh It's impossible, Rush, To get you to hush. I'd think you would blush To have such a big crush On yourself. Orifices The holes in your ear Are stylish, my dear, But the one in your rear Isn't Pride We stick out our chest And say with the rest That our country's the best. But what is the test? Power! Money For your life to be worthwhile You have to make a hefty pile So you can live in highest style As a materiophile And watch others find joy. Rhyme In his famous poem, "Trees" Joyce Kilmer wrote with modesty "Poems are made by fools like me." His lines I'm sure you will agree Attest to his veracity As well as his sagacity And perspicacity As any fool can plainly see. Blind That dumb little jerk Doesn't care for my work. He must be berserk To pass up such value? Sales Pitch Well, what do you know? My work’s in a show. I hope you will go And take plenty of dough Because sales have been slow. Actually, non-existent. Pointillists The artist Seurat Used many a dot When he painted "Grand Jatte". The artist Pissaro To his great sorrow Decided to borrow Lots of Seurat's dots Plotting Hour after hour, We scheme to get more power, Our enemies to cower, To make our rivals sour, Make competition flower. What fools we are! Eventide As evening grows The sunset glows Bright orange and rose Which clearly shows That there is particulate matter in the atmosphere. Bang! While not a vicious hun I find it lots of fun To keep a loaded gun And when all is said and done It serves a social purpose: Population control Let's Be Friendly Don't be mad. It makes me sad. I'm not a cad, Nor yet so bad. I'm just me. Apology When you're curt And stain your shirt With tears of hurt I know for cert- ain I've been thoughtless Moron The nincompoop Propels his hoop With an ice cream scoop Which shows he's stup-Id. The Abstract Artist He makes no pretense That his paintings make sense His only defense Is it's art, hence It's sublime. What Is Art? What is art? For a start You might be smart To question the question. Life A gently breeze Brings melodies, Sweet harmonies Of birds and bees Through lush green trees O'er azure seas .... Stop this, please! Such scenes as these Are rarities, Gimpy knees, Raspy wheeze, Ticks and fleas, Old injuries, Deep enmities, Jealousies And tragedies Are the realities Most must deal with. |
Mal de Mer
His saddest failing When out sailing Was his ailing On the railing And then trailing His lunch. Solace When we parted, Broken-hearted, My girl friend farted, Which cheered me up. Ogre The urge to kill Some blood to spill Bugs me until I find my flyswatter. Sinner My sin is grave And though I crave My soul to save I just go right on sinning. Drinker If you choose To drown in booze You'll soon know whose Nose is reddening Industrious Because I lack A willing back I've learned the knack Of loafing. Don't bug me Jack I'm right on track No heart attack From loafing. Gun Control The USA May take away My right to play With assault weapons I hope and pray The NRA Will save the day For assault weapons. The cash they pay The votes will sway Hip, Hip, Hooray For assault weapons. Echo The right to kill, Impose my will Is sweeter still Than gun control. The right to kill Impose one's will Is sweet until The tables are turned. Grub In eateries sleazier Spoons are all greasier Make you feel queasier It would surely be easier To go hungry. Sizes Although I'm quite tall My paintings are small So they fit on a wall In a very wee hall Whereas I hardly fit anywhere. Senior Citizen I've lost my train Of thought again. Let me explain: I'm not insane, I have a brain Which can't retain Anything! Sunday Painter My picture's quaint My one complaint Is I can't paint Without restraint. If I did, I'd faint From shock. Investing It's not the chartist Nor the one who is smartest But he who works hardest And thinks like an artist Wins on Wall Street. Prescriptions For shampoo, use Breck's For money, use checks For boredom, try sex Or a crossword puzzle. Sin The clergy of course Would never endorse The use of brute force To compel intercourse With a dapple gray horse Or even a dog. Rural Bias "It's a corker", Said the porker, "To spell 'New Yorker', To rhyme with 'worker' Instead of 'shirker'". Snobs Sophisticated parties is where you'll meet the smarties Who think they're very arty But just deserve a hearty Horse laugh. Incident A dog And a frog Were sharing a log By a cranberry bog When the dog Bit the frog Which jumped into the bog Saying, "You're a mean hog To take the whole log For yourself." Marketing I have a notion That seamen's devotion To sailing the ocean Is caused by a potion Secretly administered to yachtsmen by boat-builders. Hair Did you even ponder Why some men are fonder Of girls who are blonder Than their wives? Flu By does is all red Frub a code id da head I should be id bed But I'b writig idstead. Medicine When I'm ill I take a pill Each day until I'm sicker still Boredom There is no boredom Dull as whoredom Except chastity. Old Love In every tongue The bards have sung Of love that's young While love that is older May be a bit colder But is still worth a song or two. Semantics I have to report That when you abort It's called an abortion. And if in your sport Your limbs you contort You've done a contortion. But I'm here to exhort You when you drink port Imbibe only a portion Of a bottle to avoid a headache. Geriatrics I'm almost 84 My memory is poor My back is often sore I don't ski any more But what I still adore Is chasing women. Honesty Right from the start Those who are smart Master the art Of lying. Control Issue When I lived in Gloucester She said that I bossed her So quickly I lost her Her feminism cost her A good man. Allergy The artist Monet Painted stacks of hay In a series they say At all times of day Suggesting he may Have had hay fever. Activity The merest glance At how they prance And wildly dance In Paris, France Suggests a chance Of ants in pants. Serenade Birds on the wing Joyously sing To celebrate spring Their necks I could wring At 5 am. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik The girl I adore I'd love even more If she didn't snore. Dieting To be quite lean Get your protein From soya bean, Not McDonalds. Temptation I'd like to entice You not to be nice Because that won't suffice To give your life spice No need to think twice Just take up a vice That's fun! Philosopher I'm hoping to find A radical mind Often maligned But never unkind Which isn't blind Nor even resigned To what's wrong with the world. |